I share your deep concern about the lack of diversity among Friends, because in addition to excluding people we want to welcome, it is evidence to me that we as a community are no longer conveying the Good News.

I think there are a lot of components to how we can return to the message we as Quakers have been given, which WILL be inclusive. Some of it has to do with language, and it’s good to address those parts. The difficult balancing act is how to be inclusive of one group without acting in ways that inadvertently exclude another!

And I appreciate your ideas on how to check with someone what their preferred terminology is. In one-on-one conversations, that is indeed what I do and in one-on-ones, I have ALWAYS been graciously received.

The problem seems to occur when interpersonal conversation isn’t possible. Either because we’re talking over the internet, or because I’m in a larger group where I’m doing my TCK thing of trying to build bridges (and to me, building bridges means that I also try to talk to people who are biased, so I can help change their minds and hearts). Or in situations where you are addressing a group where there are people from several different cultures present, and you have no way of knowing how to address everyone’s politeness requirements – which is a pretty accurate description of the internet.

As a TCK, I am always trying to navigate a culture I don’t know, and I could fill a book with descriptions of mistakes I have made. I’ve always loved it when some friendly person has helped me understand the written and unwritten rules of their culture or sub-culture, and not presumed that I knew better than to do whatever it was I did. The hard part is when someone angrily declares that my INTENT is to do harm and closes themself off from any further communication. Or when they just write me off and avoid me, thinking they know all there is to know.

A large part of chaplaincy and spiritual direction training is about setting aside our own assumptions, recognizing how much of what we perceive is colored by our own cultural background. Chaplains work with people of all faiths and also people who declare themselves to be atheists, and we never stop working to unlearn our personal and cultural assumptions. A key part of that is to condition ourselves to assume nothing about the person we are with and seek instead to learn, using all of our senses, intuition and Spirit.

I got really enthusiastic about the conversation that arose out of the class/faith conversation among Quakers. It seemed like a lot of people were writing about different aspects of the same problem, and I thought that with this many Friends from across the country putting our heads and hearts and prayers together, we could really make a difference!

I wrote one post on simple how-to steps to changing liberal culture and language. Not one person has responded. I had another 4 or 5 posts planned out, but ultimately lost the courage to go it on my own in the face of being judged.

I think part of what we are longing for, all of us, is to be accepted for what we are. We want people not to assume that they know us, but to be curious about us and welcoming.

So I guess you and I both “want to go home”, spiritually, and neither one of us is finding home, we just keep “waking up to snow”. It breaks my heart.

Susanne

I was surprised when “minority” changed to “people of color” too. Growing up in a family that called me Oriental I was surprised when I went out to the Asian world and found this was derogatory. So if I am unsure of the most acceptable phrase, for example, saying Black or African-American, or Hispanic or Latino, I acknowledge that I’m not too sure what language is appropriate, and I ask the person I talk to what he/she prefers.

I think the secular world has a lot of hot buttons and the only thing that rules is power, political or financial.

That’s why diversity WITHIN Friends to me was so important. If we (well, I don’t really consider myself a Friend anymore) theoretically believe in that of God in everyone, in peace, in community etc etc etc, then overcoming those boundaries is going to be hard unless there is the hand of God bringing everyone together. And if people are overcoming these boundaries better in the secular world than the Friends world… then there is definitely a problem!